So many people often ask me why I decided to attend the university that I'm at. "If you're Jewish, why did you want to come here? Aren't you afraid of being converted?". If I had a nickel for every time I heard that question I would be living the Jewish stereotype life straight to the bank. However, the story of how I came to [Private Christian University] is actually quite interesting.
Oddly enough, my mother, who is a much more conservative Jew than I am (Well, she's a conservative Jew who doesn't go to Temple. That's only because the creepy Rabbi there keeps hitting on her though. (That's a story in of itself)), attended this university before me. She never told me why she went here, however, she studied music during her undergraduate days. One day though she had some sort of epiphany and decided to live the stereotypical dream and become a Jewish doctor. (She's now one of the forefront forensic pathologists in the nation) During her time here though, she was nowhere near as......bold as I am. Needless to say, she flew right uner the school's radar and somehow came out unscathed.
So (what a horrible way to start a sentence, I know), when I was accepted here based on my ACT scores, my mother thought it would be best that we tour the campus so I can decide whether or not I would come here. A week later we came down here. During the campus tour, which was happening around the time of Easter, I noticed three crosses set up outside of the school's chapel. When I asked my mom what these were (my exposure to Christianity as a serious religion and not just a denomination of another faith was very limited since I was only accustomed to Catholics (I spent a year of high school in a Catholic school ((kicked my ass)) at the time) she said said:
Mom: Every year they re-enact the story of Jesus' crucifixion.
Me: Wait....they actually put someone up there?!
Mom: Yeah! You should volunteer to be Jesus!
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: Well Jesus was a Jew! You let them nail you up on that cross.
I had no clue what spurred this Jew-on-Jew violence. It wasn't like we were opening up competing banks or anything!
Oddly enough, after this odd insight into this school's religious......fervor, I decided that I did in fact want to attend. That fall I registered as one of the first 100% Jewish students at [Private Christian University]! (Now, before some of my readers ask me how do I know I was one of the first Jewish students, I must say this: Messianic Jews are not Jews. I don't care how many people tell me they have Jewish blood and are Messianic. Messianic Jews, for those who don't know, are a branch of Christianity that hold to Jewish traditions yet accept Jesus as the Messiah. These people, my dear readers, are Christians. They are not Jewish. So to all those students that know where I go and claim to be Jewish like me, yet are "perfected", all I can say is: Suck it. I'm the one and currently only Jewish student here at school. Until another Reform, Conservative, Orthodox (Let's hope not....), or Hasidic (God help us all) Jew steps through the front gates, I'm the stand alone heathen. Y'all cannot share in the title.)
After my first month or so at the school I decided to debut my stand-up at a "talent show" being held by my university's wonderful Campus Activity Board. The show was set to take place during Parent's Weekend. This meant that I would be performing in front of 200+; a majority of whom would be parents of new and old students alike. Yeah, no pressure.
I was given a spot in the middle of the show to do a five minute set. When my act was up I heard the MCs introduce me:
MCs: And now it's time to hear from [Private Christian University's] resident Jew, Mike Kroll!
Yep, I didn't even get to reveal teh bombshell that was my religion to the masses. So, as soon as I took the stage and grabbed the mic from the stand I thought of a new opening line (since mine had just been stolen):
Me: Thanks for the introduction! Yep, I'm Mike Kroll, President of[Private Christian University]'s Jewish Studies and Outreach Club: "Oy Vey".
After the entire audience broke out in laughter, I just ran with it. Five minutes later, I received a standing ovation and even had to stand back up, after sitting down, to wave as the MCs asked the audience for another round of applause.
It was fan-fucking-tastic.
The rest of the show went off without a hit and in the end I placed second. The professional Christian comedian that was brought in as the closing act put me in his set! The act that beat me out was a guy who did a comedic rendition of the story of Titanic. He did an excellent job and totally deserved the win.
After the show, I made my rounds around the parents and shook hands. Oddly enough, almost every person I ran into was either a parent, or a student whose parents wanted to meet me! I qas shocked and could have sworn that they would be pissed, despite the applause. However, every comment I received from them were positive and they said they were so surprised that I had the guts to do what I just did. It was the best feeling ever.
Yeah, that lasted long.
Later that night, after the parents went to see their kids' dorms and whatnot (mine could not make it and has yet to go to one of my shows ((although she's heard so many of the stories I tell))) an upperclassman at the time stopped me in front of one of the female dorms:
Concerned Student: Hey, you were pretty funny tonight.
Me: Thank you. It was a great honor to be allowed to perform tonight.
Concerned Student: Yeah, imagine what would happen if what you said was true though!
Me: ......I'm sorry?
Concerned Student: Well, you weren't serious were you? You're not really a Jew are you?
Me: ....Everything I said tonight was true. I said that before I started.
Concerned Student: So you really are a Jew?! HERE?!
Me: Yep. That was kind of the point of my act.
Concerned Student: Have you ever considered Christ?
Me: Excuse me?
Concerned Student: Don't get me wrong, you were funny and everything, but I'm worried about you.
Me: Why are you worried about me?
Concerned Student: Because you're going to Hell.
Me: .............
concerned Student: If you accept Christ into your heart, you'll go to Heaven, and I'm sure you can keep doing your comedy!
Me: Uhm, I'm Jewish, proud of it, and if I converted, everything I said wouldn't be true anymore since I wouldn't be Jewish. So, I think I'll stick to my faith, tell my stories, and go to the hell that we don't believe in.
Like I said, I'm a very outspoken person. After that night I've always said that I have no problem going to hell because Jews don't believe in it. It's called a loophole. ;)
Oddly enough, my mother, who is a much more conservative Jew than I am (Well, she's a conservative Jew who doesn't go to Temple. That's only because the creepy Rabbi there keeps hitting on her though. (That's a story in of itself)), attended this university before me. She never told me why she went here, however, she studied music during her undergraduate days. One day though she had some sort of epiphany and decided to live the stereotypical dream and become a Jewish doctor. (She's now one of the forefront forensic pathologists in the nation) During her time here though, she was nowhere near as......bold as I am. Needless to say, she flew right uner the school's radar and somehow came out unscathed.
So (what a horrible way to start a sentence, I know), when I was accepted here based on my ACT scores, my mother thought it would be best that we tour the campus so I can decide whether or not I would come here. A week later we came down here. During the campus tour, which was happening around the time of Easter, I noticed three crosses set up outside of the school's chapel. When I asked my mom what these were (my exposure to Christianity as a serious religion and not just a denomination of another faith was very limited since I was only accustomed to Catholics (I spent a year of high school in a Catholic school ((kicked my ass)) at the time) she said said:
Mom: Every year they re-enact the story of Jesus' crucifixion.
Me: Wait....they actually put someone up there?!
Mom: Yeah! You should volunteer to be Jesus!
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: Well Jesus was a Jew! You let them nail you up on that cross.
I had no clue what spurred this Jew-on-Jew violence. It wasn't like we were opening up competing banks or anything!
Oddly enough, after this odd insight into this school's religious......fervor, I decided that I did in fact want to attend. That fall I registered as one of the first 100% Jewish students at [Private Christian University]! (Now, before some of my readers ask me how do I know I was one of the first Jewish students, I must say this: Messianic Jews are not Jews. I don't care how many people tell me they have Jewish blood and are Messianic. Messianic Jews, for those who don't know, are a branch of Christianity that hold to Jewish traditions yet accept Jesus as the Messiah. These people, my dear readers, are Christians. They are not Jewish. So to all those students that know where I go and claim to be Jewish like me, yet are "perfected", all I can say is: Suck it. I'm the one and currently only Jewish student here at school. Until another Reform, Conservative, Orthodox (Let's hope not....), or Hasidic (God help us all) Jew steps through the front gates, I'm the stand alone heathen. Y'all cannot share in the title.)
After my first month or so at the school I decided to debut my stand-up at a "talent show" being held by my university's wonderful Campus Activity Board. The show was set to take place during Parent's Weekend. This meant that I would be performing in front of 200+; a majority of whom would be parents of new and old students alike. Yeah, no pressure.
I was given a spot in the middle of the show to do a five minute set. When my act was up I heard the MCs introduce me:
MCs: And now it's time to hear from [Private Christian University's] resident Jew, Mike Kroll!
Yep, I didn't even get to reveal teh bombshell that was my religion to the masses. So, as soon as I took the stage and grabbed the mic from the stand I thought of a new opening line (since mine had just been stolen):
Me: Thanks for the introduction! Yep, I'm Mike Kroll, President of[Private Christian University]'s Jewish Studies and Outreach Club: "Oy Vey".
After the entire audience broke out in laughter, I just ran with it. Five minutes later, I received a standing ovation and even had to stand back up, after sitting down, to wave as the MCs asked the audience for another round of applause.
It was fan-fucking-tastic.
The rest of the show went off without a hit and in the end I placed second. The professional Christian comedian that was brought in as the closing act put me in his set! The act that beat me out was a guy who did a comedic rendition of the story of Titanic. He did an excellent job and totally deserved the win.
After the show, I made my rounds around the parents and shook hands. Oddly enough, almost every person I ran into was either a parent, or a student whose parents wanted to meet me! I qas shocked and could have sworn that they would be pissed, despite the applause. However, every comment I received from them were positive and they said they were so surprised that I had the guts to do what I just did. It was the best feeling ever.
Yeah, that lasted long.
Later that night, after the parents went to see their kids' dorms and whatnot (mine could not make it and has yet to go to one of my shows ((although she's heard so many of the stories I tell))) an upperclassman at the time stopped me in front of one of the female dorms:
Concerned Student: Hey, you were pretty funny tonight.
Me: Thank you. It was a great honor to be allowed to perform tonight.
Concerned Student: Yeah, imagine what would happen if what you said was true though!
Me: ......I'm sorry?
Concerned Student: Well, you weren't serious were you? You're not really a Jew are you?
Me: ....Everything I said tonight was true. I said that before I started.
Concerned Student: So you really are a Jew?! HERE?!
Me: Yep. That was kind of the point of my act.
Concerned Student: Have you ever considered Christ?
Me: Excuse me?
Concerned Student: Don't get me wrong, you were funny and everything, but I'm worried about you.
Me: Why are you worried about me?
Concerned Student: Because you're going to Hell.
Me: .............
concerned Student: If you accept Christ into your heart, you'll go to Heaven, and I'm sure you can keep doing your comedy!
Me: Uhm, I'm Jewish, proud of it, and if I converted, everything I said wouldn't be true anymore since I wouldn't be Jewish. So, I think I'll stick to my faith, tell my stories, and go to the hell that we don't believe in.
Like I said, I'm a very outspoken person. After that night I've always said that I have no problem going to hell because Jews don't believe in it. It's called a loophole. ;)
As your conservative Catholic cousin, I'm going to insist that you refrain from ever even considering converting. Christianity would damper your comedic value.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up, my favorite Jew cousin! And get a recording up on YouTube!
-Danielle, the Half-Jewlette