Aside from being a full time student, I've actually held down a couple jobs. During the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college I got a job through my mom at a local funeral home. It didn't pay all that well, however, it was a first job and I needed gas money....to get to my job.......to pay for gas money....to get to my job....(You get the idea). So, my job at this funeral home was that of an usher. I basically held doors open for families during funerals, washed and drove the hearse for pickups at the hospital/hospice/house where the person passed away, etc. Pretty much. I was the $7 p/hr bitch. I was fine with it though since I had a job and something to add to my resume aside from morgue assistant to my mother.
Now, people would think that a funeral home is all serious and morbid business. However, that can't be farther from the truth. About two or three weeks into the job this interesting little event happened that will forever be ingrained in my memory:
My shift started out normal, as normal as one can be dealing with the dead and their family members. After setting up for a service for a family who had just lost their uncle, a young woman came into the funeral home and asked the receptionist for her grandfather.
Now, whenever someone comes in asking for a family member they generally mean to either pick up their personal belongings or their ashes. This time around, it was ashes.:
Receptionist Cher: Welcome to [Funeral Home] how can I help you?
Young Distraught Woman: Hi, I'm here to pick up my grandfather. I was told he would be ready today.
Receptionist Cher: All right, what's your grandfather's name?
[the name is given and us ushers are called over]
Receptionist Cher: Her grandfather is in the back. Can one of you go get him?
One of the other ushers went to retrieve the ashes since I had never done it before. After a few moments the guy returns and whispers into Receptionist Cher's ear that he can't find the ashes. With a wide eyed expression the receptionist asked Young Distraught Woman to wait a moment since the urn is having final preparation work.
*NOTE* Whenever someone tells you this red flags should instantly fly up in your head that something is wrong. Why? Well, when you have a date and time to pick up something, it should damn well be ready.
Young Distraught Woman did not know this rule and just agreed to wait. Meanwhile, myself and the other usher are also called over and we're told:
Receptionist Cher: We can't find the ashes. They're not in the back. Check the offices, the flower room, and if they're not there, check the trash cans in the back to make sure they weren't thrown out.
Yep, we basically went dumpster diving to find a bag full of gray dust. Oh yeah, she completely lied to this woman, the ashes weren't even in the urn that this woman bought. They were still in a large Ziploc baggy......somewhere.
After vigorously searching, and dumpster diving, we were able to locate the ashes. Now, you have to remember, my dear readers, that a service is going on in the included chapel. Why must this be remembered? Well, the uncle being mourned over in the chapel had also been cremated.
I'll give you a minute.
....
Have you made the connection yet?
.....
Yep. That's where Young Distraught Woman's grandfather's ashes were.
Apparently, the two bags got switched around since the people who did the cremating couldn't tell the difference between 34 year old dust, and 84 year old dust!
As soon as the service ended we quickly ran into the chapel and switched the two urns. Luckily, both families were cheap (or poor) and bought the same urn.
Young Distraught Woman got her grandfather, and the family in the chapel finally got their uncle back. Everyone happy. Well, everyone but the people involved in the "man"hunt.
Needless to say. That was one of the best days ever. I went dumpster diving for ashes that turned out to being mourned over by the wrong family.
I miss working there.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Relivin' the Good ol' Biblical Days
Okay, so I've already mentioned that I go to a religious university. I've even mentioned how some individuals can go a tad to far with their beliefs (the guy who tried to give me the bible and the student who was "concerned" for me). However, I have yet to tackle the issue of how religious the collective school is.
Every year my school holds an Easter Pageant. As mentioned in the story "Full Immersion" the students at school get together and reenact the crucifixion of Jesus. It's a huge deal and parents, newspapers, business owners, whole churches, nearly every voice in the Texas Christian community, comes to see this performance that's done only three times in one day, once a year. It's a big deal.
Ever since I heard about this I knew I wanted to be in it. Now, before I go on, this isn't one of those "I saw Christ in the Script and began to believe". Nu-uh. This was "Holy shit! I could be Judas and perform one of the most well known illegal transactions in history!" type of things.
Yep, I wanted to be the "Great Betrayer" Judas Iscariot.
So, I figured to get the part I needed to do what most people in theater have to or should do, brown nose the people in charge. What I didn't take into consideration is that people saw my shows (I ha done at least two more since the "Full Immersion" story) and got the ludicrous idea that I would take this as an opportunity to get new material. I have no clue how that crossed anyone's mind. Well, it was either that, r me telling my roommate that I "wanted to re-write the role of Judas and make him into a real Jew!". I pretty much told my roommate:
Me: When I get the part I'm totally re-writing the role.
CR: (Christian Roommate): What do you mean?
Me: I'm going to make Judas into the true Jew that he was.
CR: How will you do that?
Me: Instead of throwing down the pieces of silver I would get for selling Jesus to the Romans, I'm going to take it and invest it in the first Bank/Deli of Jerusalem. It'll be fabulous! Screw that guilt and suicide BS. I'm going to bring truth to Judas' story!
Well, word got out what I wanted to do. In the end, I wasn't allowed the part on the stupid rule that: The Jesus elected that year picks his own Disciples.
I called hate crime. They called "Protecting the Authenticity of the Story of Christ".
I was robbed. However, I didn't let up? Oh hell no! I kept at it and as of last year, I am now a past cast member of the Easter Pageant! Unfortunately, the Jesus-Elect last year didn't pick me either. Instead, I was one of the Perjurers. What that title mean was, I was playing one of the men who was paid to give false testimonies about Jesus' miracles during his trial. Perfect. Not quite Judas, but its a start.
I got the part in an odd way though. During the rehearsal for the play, rehearsals are at least twice a week, for about........three or so months, I wasn't seeing much of my then, and still current, roommate. Being the needy, slightly paranoid person that I am, I thought I would be able to spend more time with him if I signed the piece of paper saying, "I want to be in the easter Pageant. Whatever role I'm assigned I will carry out with the truth and honesty that Christ showed during his lifetime.". It said something along those lines. Either way, it's been my first signed gig.
I was given the role that most walk-on cast members get: crowd member. All Ihad to do was walk around and marvel at the "miracles" that Jesus was performing. For us itw as turning baby oil to kool-aid. Very exciting stuff here. During practice one day I had one of the "producers" (or whatever the students with power called themselves) come up to me and ask, "Do you want a speaking role? If so, we have a part that was made for you.". I, being the conservative and behind-the-scenes person that I am said, "Why do you ask stupid questions? you already know the answer." Five minutes later I was told that I would be Perjurer #2. My line, "And rebuild it in three days!". My role was simple. I was to play one of the men hired to lie at Jesus' trial. My line pertained to the part of the story where Jesus was supposedly caught saying that he could destroy the temple of God "and rebuild it in three days!". I leaped at the role. Not only would I have a thousand people watching me, but I would have a thousand people watching me tell one of the most famous "lies" ever! It was perfect.
Needless to say the show went off without a hitch and I had a few people tell me I looked to happy to be saying my line. I wonder why? Either way, I had fun.
Oh! I also got an early Hanukah present! It turned out that the Jesus for the '09-'10 school year, was my then soon-to-be roommate in the fall! I was, and am, one step closer to becoming Judas.
If I get my way, come Spring, I'm buying everyone pita and falafel with my thirty silver pieces.
Every year my school holds an Easter Pageant. As mentioned in the story "Full Immersion" the students at school get together and reenact the crucifixion of Jesus. It's a huge deal and parents, newspapers, business owners, whole churches, nearly every voice in the Texas Christian community, comes to see this performance that's done only three times in one day, once a year. It's a big deal.
Ever since I heard about this I knew I wanted to be in it. Now, before I go on, this isn't one of those "I saw Christ in the Script and began to believe". Nu-uh. This was "Holy shit! I could be Judas and perform one of the most well known illegal transactions in history!" type of things.
Yep, I wanted to be the "Great Betrayer" Judas Iscariot.
So, I figured to get the part I needed to do what most people in theater have to or should do, brown nose the people in charge. What I didn't take into consideration is that people saw my shows (I ha done at least two more since the "Full Immersion" story) and got the ludicrous idea that I would take this as an opportunity to get new material. I have no clue how that crossed anyone's mind. Well, it was either that, r me telling my roommate that I "wanted to re-write the role of Judas and make him into a real Jew!". I pretty much told my roommate:
Me: When I get the part I'm totally re-writing the role.
CR: (Christian Roommate): What do you mean?
Me: I'm going to make Judas into the true Jew that he was.
CR: How will you do that?
Me: Instead of throwing down the pieces of silver I would get for selling Jesus to the Romans, I'm going to take it and invest it in the first Bank/Deli of Jerusalem. It'll be fabulous! Screw that guilt and suicide BS. I'm going to bring truth to Judas' story!
Well, word got out what I wanted to do. In the end, I wasn't allowed the part on the stupid rule that: The Jesus elected that year picks his own Disciples.
I called hate crime. They called "Protecting the Authenticity of the Story of Christ".
I was robbed. However, I didn't let up? Oh hell no! I kept at it and as of last year, I am now a past cast member of the Easter Pageant! Unfortunately, the Jesus-Elect last year didn't pick me either. Instead, I was one of the Perjurers. What that title mean was, I was playing one of the men who was paid to give false testimonies about Jesus' miracles during his trial. Perfect. Not quite Judas, but its a start.
I got the part in an odd way though. During the rehearsal for the play, rehearsals are at least twice a week, for about........three or so months, I wasn't seeing much of my then, and still current, roommate. Being the needy, slightly paranoid person that I am, I thought I would be able to spend more time with him if I signed the piece of paper saying, "I want to be in the easter Pageant. Whatever role I'm assigned I will carry out with the truth and honesty that Christ showed during his lifetime.". It said something along those lines. Either way, it's been my first signed gig.
I was given the role that most walk-on cast members get: crowd member. All Ihad to do was walk around and marvel at the "miracles" that Jesus was performing. For us itw as turning baby oil to kool-aid. Very exciting stuff here. During practice one day I had one of the "producers" (or whatever the students with power called themselves) come up to me and ask, "Do you want a speaking role? If so, we have a part that was made for you.". I, being the conservative and behind-the-scenes person that I am said, "Why do you ask stupid questions? you already know the answer." Five minutes later I was told that I would be Perjurer #2. My line, "And rebuild it in three days!". My role was simple. I was to play one of the men hired to lie at Jesus' trial. My line pertained to the part of the story where Jesus was supposedly caught saying that he could destroy the temple of God "and rebuild it in three days!". I leaped at the role. Not only would I have a thousand people watching me, but I would have a thousand people watching me tell one of the most famous "lies" ever! It was perfect.
Needless to say the show went off without a hitch and I had a few people tell me I looked to happy to be saying my line. I wonder why? Either way, I had fun.
Oh! I also got an early Hanukah present! It turned out that the Jesus for the '09-'10 school year, was my then soon-to-be roommate in the fall! I was, and am, one step closer to becoming Judas.
If I get my way, come Spring, I'm buying everyone pita and falafel with my thirty silver pieces.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Full Immersion
So many people often ask me why I decided to attend the university that I'm at. "If you're Jewish, why did you want to come here? Aren't you afraid of being converted?". If I had a nickel for every time I heard that question I would be living the Jewish stereotype life straight to the bank. However, the story of how I came to [Private Christian University] is actually quite interesting.
Oddly enough, my mother, who is a much more conservative Jew than I am (Well, she's a conservative Jew who doesn't go to Temple. That's only because the creepy Rabbi there keeps hitting on her though. (That's a story in of itself)), attended this university before me. She never told me why she went here, however, she studied music during her undergraduate days. One day though she had some sort of epiphany and decided to live the stereotypical dream and become a Jewish doctor. (She's now one of the forefront forensic pathologists in the nation) During her time here though, she was nowhere near as......bold as I am. Needless to say, she flew right uner the school's radar and somehow came out unscathed.
So (what a horrible way to start a sentence, I know), when I was accepted here based on my ACT scores, my mother thought it would be best that we tour the campus so I can decide whether or not I would come here. A week later we came down here. During the campus tour, which was happening around the time of Easter, I noticed three crosses set up outside of the school's chapel. When I asked my mom what these were (my exposure to Christianity as a serious religion and not just a denomination of another faith was very limited since I was only accustomed to Catholics (I spent a year of high school in a Catholic school ((kicked my ass)) at the time) she said said:
Mom: Every year they re-enact the story of Jesus' crucifixion.
Me: Wait....they actually put someone up there?!
Mom: Yeah! You should volunteer to be Jesus!
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: Well Jesus was a Jew! You let them nail you up on that cross.
I had no clue what spurred this Jew-on-Jew violence. It wasn't like we were opening up competing banks or anything!
Oddly enough, after this odd insight into this school's religious......fervor, I decided that I did in fact want to attend. That fall I registered as one of the first 100% Jewish students at [Private Christian University]! (Now, before some of my readers ask me how do I know I was one of the first Jewish students, I must say this: Messianic Jews are not Jews. I don't care how many people tell me they have Jewish blood and are Messianic. Messianic Jews, for those who don't know, are a branch of Christianity that hold to Jewish traditions yet accept Jesus as the Messiah. These people, my dear readers, are Christians. They are not Jewish. So to all those students that know where I go and claim to be Jewish like me, yet are "perfected", all I can say is: Suck it. I'm the one and currently only Jewish student here at school. Until another Reform, Conservative, Orthodox (Let's hope not....), or Hasidic (God help us all) Jew steps through the front gates, I'm the stand alone heathen. Y'all cannot share in the title.)
After my first month or so at the school I decided to debut my stand-up at a "talent show" being held by my university's wonderful Campus Activity Board. The show was set to take place during Parent's Weekend. This meant that I would be performing in front of 200+; a majority of whom would be parents of new and old students alike. Yeah, no pressure.
I was given a spot in the middle of the show to do a five minute set. When my act was up I heard the MCs introduce me:
MCs: And now it's time to hear from [Private Christian University's] resident Jew, Mike Kroll!
Yep, I didn't even get to reveal teh bombshell that was my religion to the masses. So, as soon as I took the stage and grabbed the mic from the stand I thought of a new opening line (since mine had just been stolen):
Me: Thanks for the introduction! Yep, I'm Mike Kroll, President of[Private Christian University]'s Jewish Studies and Outreach Club: "Oy Vey".
After the entire audience broke out in laughter, I just ran with it. Five minutes later, I received a standing ovation and even had to stand back up, after sitting down, to wave as the MCs asked the audience for another round of applause.
It was fan-fucking-tastic.
The rest of the show went off without a hit and in the end I placed second. The professional Christian comedian that was brought in as the closing act put me in his set! The act that beat me out was a guy who did a comedic rendition of the story of Titanic. He did an excellent job and totally deserved the win.
After the show, I made my rounds around the parents and shook hands. Oddly enough, almost every person I ran into was either a parent, or a student whose parents wanted to meet me! I qas shocked and could have sworn that they would be pissed, despite the applause. However, every comment I received from them were positive and they said they were so surprised that I had the guts to do what I just did. It was the best feeling ever.
Yeah, that lasted long.
Later that night, after the parents went to see their kids' dorms and whatnot (mine could not make it and has yet to go to one of my shows ((although she's heard so many of the stories I tell))) an upperclassman at the time stopped me in front of one of the female dorms:
Concerned Student: Hey, you were pretty funny tonight.
Me: Thank you. It was a great honor to be allowed to perform tonight.
Concerned Student: Yeah, imagine what would happen if what you said was true though!
Me: ......I'm sorry?
Concerned Student: Well, you weren't serious were you? You're not really a Jew are you?
Me: ....Everything I said tonight was true. I said that before I started.
Concerned Student: So you really are a Jew?! HERE?!
Me: Yep. That was kind of the point of my act.
Concerned Student: Have you ever considered Christ?
Me: Excuse me?
Concerned Student: Don't get me wrong, you were funny and everything, but I'm worried about you.
Me: Why are you worried about me?
Concerned Student: Because you're going to Hell.
Me: .............
concerned Student: If you accept Christ into your heart, you'll go to Heaven, and I'm sure you can keep doing your comedy!
Me: Uhm, I'm Jewish, proud of it, and if I converted, everything I said wouldn't be true anymore since I wouldn't be Jewish. So, I think I'll stick to my faith, tell my stories, and go to the hell that we don't believe in.
Like I said, I'm a very outspoken person. After that night I've always said that I have no problem going to hell because Jews don't believe in it. It's called a loophole. ;)
Oddly enough, my mother, who is a much more conservative Jew than I am (Well, she's a conservative Jew who doesn't go to Temple. That's only because the creepy Rabbi there keeps hitting on her though. (That's a story in of itself)), attended this university before me. She never told me why she went here, however, she studied music during her undergraduate days. One day though she had some sort of epiphany and decided to live the stereotypical dream and become a Jewish doctor. (She's now one of the forefront forensic pathologists in the nation) During her time here though, she was nowhere near as......bold as I am. Needless to say, she flew right uner the school's radar and somehow came out unscathed.
So (what a horrible way to start a sentence, I know), when I was accepted here based on my ACT scores, my mother thought it would be best that we tour the campus so I can decide whether or not I would come here. A week later we came down here. During the campus tour, which was happening around the time of Easter, I noticed three crosses set up outside of the school's chapel. When I asked my mom what these were (my exposure to Christianity as a serious religion and not just a denomination of another faith was very limited since I was only accustomed to Catholics (I spent a year of high school in a Catholic school ((kicked my ass)) at the time) she said said:
Mom: Every year they re-enact the story of Jesus' crucifixion.
Me: Wait....they actually put someone up there?!
Mom: Yeah! You should volunteer to be Jesus!
Me: WHAT?!
Mom: Well Jesus was a Jew! You let them nail you up on that cross.
I had no clue what spurred this Jew-on-Jew violence. It wasn't like we were opening up competing banks or anything!
Oddly enough, after this odd insight into this school's religious......fervor, I decided that I did in fact want to attend. That fall I registered as one of the first 100% Jewish students at [Private Christian University]! (Now, before some of my readers ask me how do I know I was one of the first Jewish students, I must say this: Messianic Jews are not Jews. I don't care how many people tell me they have Jewish blood and are Messianic. Messianic Jews, for those who don't know, are a branch of Christianity that hold to Jewish traditions yet accept Jesus as the Messiah. These people, my dear readers, are Christians. They are not Jewish. So to all those students that know where I go and claim to be Jewish like me, yet are "perfected", all I can say is: Suck it. I'm the one and currently only Jewish student here at school. Until another Reform, Conservative, Orthodox (Let's hope not....), or Hasidic (God help us all) Jew steps through the front gates, I'm the stand alone heathen. Y'all cannot share in the title.)
After my first month or so at the school I decided to debut my stand-up at a "talent show" being held by my university's wonderful Campus Activity Board. The show was set to take place during Parent's Weekend. This meant that I would be performing in front of 200+; a majority of whom would be parents of new and old students alike. Yeah, no pressure.
I was given a spot in the middle of the show to do a five minute set. When my act was up I heard the MCs introduce me:
MCs: And now it's time to hear from [Private Christian University's] resident Jew, Mike Kroll!
Yep, I didn't even get to reveal teh bombshell that was my religion to the masses. So, as soon as I took the stage and grabbed the mic from the stand I thought of a new opening line (since mine had just been stolen):
Me: Thanks for the introduction! Yep, I'm Mike Kroll, President of[Private Christian University]'s Jewish Studies and Outreach Club: "Oy Vey".
After the entire audience broke out in laughter, I just ran with it. Five minutes later, I received a standing ovation and even had to stand back up, after sitting down, to wave as the MCs asked the audience for another round of applause.
It was fan-fucking-tastic.
The rest of the show went off without a hit and in the end I placed second. The professional Christian comedian that was brought in as the closing act put me in his set! The act that beat me out was a guy who did a comedic rendition of the story of Titanic. He did an excellent job and totally deserved the win.
After the show, I made my rounds around the parents and shook hands. Oddly enough, almost every person I ran into was either a parent, or a student whose parents wanted to meet me! I qas shocked and could have sworn that they would be pissed, despite the applause. However, every comment I received from them were positive and they said they were so surprised that I had the guts to do what I just did. It was the best feeling ever.
Yeah, that lasted long.
Later that night, after the parents went to see their kids' dorms and whatnot (mine could not make it and has yet to go to one of my shows ((although she's heard so many of the stories I tell))) an upperclassman at the time stopped me in front of one of the female dorms:
Concerned Student: Hey, you were pretty funny tonight.
Me: Thank you. It was a great honor to be allowed to perform tonight.
Concerned Student: Yeah, imagine what would happen if what you said was true though!
Me: ......I'm sorry?
Concerned Student: Well, you weren't serious were you? You're not really a Jew are you?
Me: ....Everything I said tonight was true. I said that before I started.
Concerned Student: So you really are a Jew?! HERE?!
Me: Yep. That was kind of the point of my act.
Concerned Student: Have you ever considered Christ?
Me: Excuse me?
Concerned Student: Don't get me wrong, you were funny and everything, but I'm worried about you.
Me: Why are you worried about me?
Concerned Student: Because you're going to Hell.
Me: .............
concerned Student: If you accept Christ into your heart, you'll go to Heaven, and I'm sure you can keep doing your comedy!
Me: Uhm, I'm Jewish, proud of it, and if I converted, everything I said wouldn't be true anymore since I wouldn't be Jewish. So, I think I'll stick to my faith, tell my stories, and go to the hell that we don't believe in.
Like I said, I'm a very outspoken person. After that night I've always said that I have no problem going to hell because Jews don't believe in it. It's called a loophole. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)