The Cheesecake Situation

Back in my Freshman year of college I hung out with two main people. One of which was the date that I took the my school's formal in the story "Never Try to Make a Cop Laugh". We were the best of friends and still to this day talk every now and then. One of our soirees into the field of battle against the oppressive establishment, which at the time we thought was the school (We were young, 'twas a mistake.), involved cheesecake and a dumpster.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Cheesecake Situation"

One brisk, spring, evening myself, Formal Date, and Music Star were all hanging out in the girl's dormitory lobby. We were quite bored, as we usually were during those first two semesters of school (studying rarely happened unless it was finals week back then). As we sat there, pondering our lives away and playing ping pong without the table, we heard that a special reception was being held for some faculty members who were retiring. My friends and I knew these faculty members so we decided to see what the event was about.

After about ten minutes of weighing the pros and cons of this idea we decided to head down to the student lounge. Apparently, we got there to late (according to our wonderful and keen observational skills). Oddly enough, nobody had cleaned up. Instead of a bunch of chairs and dirty plates there were two and a half cheesecakes on beautiful crystal stands, two coffee urns, two or so bowls of chocolate sauce, and some beautiful flatware laid out. Assuming that the party had ended, we decided that it wouldn't hurt if we helped ourselves to one slice of cake. After eating a slice each we though, "Eh, the party's over. One more slice can't hurt.". Cutting into the second cheesecake we begin to hear movement upstairs. Lo and behold, the party hadn't ended, it had yet to start. Yep, we were now indulging on two elderly people's goodbye party, before they could.

In utter shock we looked at each other. Then, we looked at the cake we already had on the plates. Two of us start towards the door, however, one of my friends hangs back. We both look back at her (I'm not revealing who it was as a just in case) and without missing a beat, she picks up the entire cheesecake, glass stand, and stainless steal cake knife, and begins to run towards us and the open door. Knowing that we couldn't discuss this inside, what with the entire retirement party coming down the elevator and all, we all practically fly outside with the stolen merchandise.

Once we turn the corner we begin to examine the situation and weigh out the new series of pros and cons:

Pros:

• We have a whole cheesecake
• We have a nice stand and serving knife

Cons:

• We stole from elderly people
• Elderly people who are still technically employed by our university
• A university that has a police force
• A police force that patrols the campus every fifteen or so minutes

After discussing these, and other, fine ethical and moral points we come to a conclusion: We can't return the goods. However, we can't return them to the girls' dormitory as is. Questions would be asked. Looking about for a means to transport the cheesecake and accessories we stumble upon a dumpster. In this dumpster, towards the bottom, we discover some cardboard boxes that had been thrown out.

Yeah, you can see where this is going.

Five minutes later we return to the dorm with a soggy box filled with cake and a crystal cake stand. Our faces were so stern that people were wondering what had happened anyways. We spoke to nobody and as soon as the cake was safe we all went our separate ways for the evening.

Now that was a night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue:

After that night I would frequently ask the friend who stored the cheesecake whatever became of the serving platter and knife. I mean, they were quite nice. She would never tell me, however, I did notice that her car never went without a full tank of gas for the rest of the semester...

The Difference Between Christianity and Judaism

Okay, this story happened yesterday on my way to class. Before it's told, my dear readers, you must know why I titled this what I did.

In Judaism we do not believe in proselytizing. We believe that if somebody wants to convert or even join our culture then they can come do so of their own free will. We do not believe in trying to convert people by walking up to them and preaching, or do whatever other religious sects believe in doing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Okay, so, as y'all know I attend a private Christian university in Texas. This university is quite conservative, and very religious. However, they don't press their religion onto you if you ask them to stop or make it know that there's no hope for them to convert you.

Unfortunately for an elderly gentleman outside of the chapel yesterday, this knowledge was not very well known, well, at least to him. Here's what happened:

I was walking towards my 9:00 class and decided to cross the chapel and then make a straight line ro the science building (where the class was being held). As I cross the street I see this man, who's clearly in his late 50's early 60's, handing out small copies of the New Testament. When I pass by he asks me if I would like one. I politely tell him I'm Jewish. This is when our short, yet oddly funny, conversation started off:

Proselytizer: Young man, would you like a copy?
Me: No thank you, I'm Jewish. (I was being quite polite for so early in the morning.)
Proselytizer: Well then you especially need one!
Me: (I begin to walk away to 1)hide my laughter and 2)get to class)
Proselytizer: You need to read this to know how the REAL Messiah died on the cross for you! (He yells this out loud since I am a good distance away by this point.)
Me: (I am now irritated by his ignorance due to the fact that: 1) it's early in the morning and I can only be so polite for a few seconds at this time and 2) I was nice enough to say no thank you) I'm sorry, I'm led to believe by my bible that the Messiah has yet to come. The man you're talking about was just another Jew who we sold out for 16 silver pieces!

Needless to say, this was a terrible, terrible thing to say on my part. However, I don't care. Most people on campus know to take what I say with a grain of salt. However, this old man did not. Apparently.....neither did the freshman I was walking next to when I shouted this. His reaction though, was defintiely worth my outburst. The only way I could even begin to accurately portray what he said would be to look up to the sky and mimic him:

Unknowing Victim/Freshman: WOAHWOAHWOAHHH!!! OH NO....YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT! DID YOU?!

Me: ......Welcome to [Christian University]! I'm Mike. (Then I walked off to class.)

Never Try To Make a Cop Laugh.

I attend a private university in Texas. This school is quite religious and very conservative. So, before this, or any story is told, you, my lovely reader, must realize the type of person I am:

I'm a very loud, Jewish (Reform), Liberal Democrat, who tries to make any stressful situation either funny. When I'm stressed or feel threatened I get really nervous and my "language filter" basically evaporates into the ever thinning ozone layer.

Also, especially for this story, you need to know what type of car I drive. During this time, and still to this day, I drive a 1991 Jaguar XJS. It's quite sporty, and quite pretty.

Okay, now we can begin.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Never Try to Make a Cop Laugh"

Every spring my university holds a giant formal dance. When I was a freshman (I was 19 at the time) I decided that this would be a great way to meet people and to hopefully start a relationship with a girl I fancied at the time. Now, when I say formal, I mean three piece suits and lovely dancing/evening gowns. This event is big for my school.

After a few weeks of shyly hinting off to the girl I like at the time that we should go together I successfully....well...succeeded....in getting her to go with me. The evening of the dance I pick her up in front of her dorm and head off to the next town over for dinner and then the dance. The evening goes splendidly. We're dancing with each other, our friends are all there with their dates, and everyone is having a wonderful time. Everyone was drinking the fruit punch, eating the strawberries, and dancing to the country music as if it were the last night of our lives. At the end of the dance we all gather outside of the dance hall and watch a beautiful fireworks show.

Once the show was done my group of friends, date, and myself, all gather in the front parking lot for pictures and final words before we all get into our own respective cars and return to campus. It was quite late at this point for some (nearly midnight), for me it was early since I'm an insomniac. I digress though...

My date and myself get into my car and we begin to drive back to school. About fifteen minutes into the drive, the whole drive takes forty-five minutes (keep this in mind), I change lanes. As soon as I do I see a car with no lights on begin to follow us. I decided this was no big deal, however, after about a mile of this the car becomes illuminated with flashing red and blue lights. Now I thought it was a big deal. I, apparently, was getting pulled over for the first time.

I pull over and instantly begin to think what it is I had done wrong. Unfortunately, I could come to no conclusions and had run out of time, the cop was tapping my window to get me to roll it down. He asks me for my license and registration and then asked me if I knew what I had done wrong. I replied no and was told that I had changed lanes without signaling. Yep, not speeding, not swerving, not signaling a lane change while nobody was within a mile of us. I begin to relax, thinking this would just be a warning or something. I was wrong. Apparently two teenagers in a nice car at midnight, alone, raised some red flags in Officer Justice's mind. The conversation went like this:

OJ: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over tonight?
Me: No sir.
OJ: You didn't signal that lane change a couple miles back.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry officer.
[Officer Justice goes to run my information. He returns after a few moments. During that time my date tells me to be nice.]
OJ: Where you two kids headed tonight?
Me: We're returning to our university after our spring formal.
OJ: Uh-huh. Is this your car son?
Me: Yes sir.
OJ: Are you sure? This is a really nice car for someone like you to be driving.
Me: My mom bought it for me. We're Jewish. (Mistake #1)
OJ: Oh I see. Sir, can I have you step out of the car and stand on the side of the road please?
[I get out of the car. I notice that as I'm closing the door behind me, my date is getting out her phone to text people what it going on.]

Now I have no clue what is going on. I'm in a three piece suit, on the side of a road, driving a Jag, with an extremely beautiful girl in the front seat, who is texting people what's going on.

Anways, I'm on the side of the road. During this whole ordeal I'm still sweating from the night of dancing and my cologne is running. The mix of salt and french cologne smells quite bad and I look a mess aside from my clothes. Well, Officer Justice thought it was something else.

OJ: Son, now tell me again where you're going?
Me: We just got done with my school's spring formal. We go to Private Christian University.
OJ: Okay, was there alcohol served at this dance?
Me: No sir. They're all very conservative and don't believe in serving alcohol to minors. (Mistake #2)
OJ: What is that I smell then?
Me: My cologne.
OJ: Okay, I need you to follow my finger with your eyes without moving your head.

Yep, you read right, at this point I was being given a field sobriety test, on the side of the road, at midnight, in a suit, while my friends from school drove past us, staring.

Needless to say, I flew through the test flawlessly. Officer Justice though, was still convinced that I was intoxicated. So, being the thorough cop that he was (and probably still is) he went back to his squad car, cleared off his back seat (I guess to scare me), and returns with a breathalyzer.

OJ: Son, I'm going to need you to blow into this for me.
Me: Okay.
[I blow. The test comes back 0].
OJ: How did you do that?
Me: Do what?
OJ: Trick the test!
Me: I didn't sir, I haven't had anything to drink tonight. I'm a minor.
OJ: No, you tricked the test! I can smell the alcohol on you.
Me: Sir, I have not been drinking. (I'm getting quite annoyed at this point.)
OJ: Well if you haven't been drinking then what is that I smell?

At this point I was quite pissed off and the only thing I could say to answer his question was:

OJ: Well if you haven't been drinking then what is that I smell?
Me: Sweat and fear!

He was not happy with my answer. However, he did let me return to my car and I was presented with a lovely warning. All the while, my date remained in the car, texting away. After I got my warning and the Officer Justice returned to his squad car I had a wee bit of a breakdown. In front of my date, in a three piece suit, while the cop waited for me to pull back onto the road. As soon as we returned to school and I dropped my date back off at her dorm I walk into the lobby to bid her good night and to apologize, I see my entire group of friends waiting for us. All of them had looks of sympathy on their faces, and one of them opened up her arms in the universal sign language that says, "You need a hug, right?".

Welcome to the Inter-Jewish-Web!

So, being a follower of typical American fashion and trends, I have been convinced that I need to create a blog after seeing the movie "Julie&Julia" (fantastic movie, anyone who likes Meryl Streep or cooking will find this a lovely film). Unlike the movie though, I don't initially know what to blog about. I find this quite sad since I'm a fairly interesting, 20 year old Jewish college student, who does stand-up at my Baptist University.

Well, I should edit that above statement: I didn't initially know what I wanted to talk about. However, given the statement above, I do know: This blog will be all about the odd occurrences that happen to, around, or to people that are associated with me that somehow end up in my act on stage.

Now, to those who have no idea who I am or just to those who don't favor me that much, you will probably say that these will be uninteresting or jsut to odd to be true. Well, guess what, you're wrong. All of these stories are, and will be (for those yet to happen), true. The only thing that will be changed are the names of people other than myself to protect their identities from police, parents, or just public ridicule.

Now then, let's see how fucked up my life really is...................In a good way, of course....