I'm a very loud, Jewish (Reform), Liberal Democrat, who tries to make any stressful situation either funny. When I'm stressed or feel threatened I get really nervous and my "language filter" basically evaporates into the ever thinning ozone layer.
Also, especially for this story, you need to know what type of car I drive. During this time, and still to this day, I drive a 1991 Jaguar XJS. It's quite sporty, and quite pretty.
Okay, now we can begin.
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"Never Try to Make a Cop Laugh"
Every spring my university holds a giant formal dance. When I was a freshman (I was 19 at the time) I decided that this would be a great way to meet people and to hopefully start a relationship with a girl I fancied at the time. Now, when I say formal, I mean three piece suits and lovely dancing/evening gowns. This event is big for my school.
After a few weeks of shyly hinting off to the girl I like at the time that we should go together I successfully....well...succeeded....in getting her to go with me. The evening of the dance I pick her up in front of her dorm and head off to the next town over for dinner and then the dance. The evening goes splendidly. We're dancing with each other, our friends are all there with their dates, and everyone is having a wonderful time. Everyone was drinking the fruit punch, eating the strawberries, and dancing to the country music as if it were the last night of our lives. At the end of the dance we all gather outside of the dance hall and watch a beautiful fireworks show.
Once the show was done my group of friends, date, and myself, all gather in the front parking lot for pictures and final words before we all get into our own respective cars and return to campus. It was quite late at this point for some (nearly midnight), for me it was early since I'm an insomniac. I digress though...
My date and myself get into my car and we begin to drive back to school. About fifteen minutes into the drive, the whole drive takes forty-five minutes (keep this in mind), I change lanes. As soon as I do I see a car with no lights on begin to follow us. I decided this was no big deal, however, after about a mile of this the car becomes illuminated with flashing red and blue lights. Now I thought it was a big deal. I, apparently, was getting pulled over for the first time.
I pull over and instantly begin to think what it is I had done wrong. Unfortunately, I could come to no conclusions and had run out of time, the cop was tapping my window to get me to roll it down. He asks me for my license and registration and then asked me if I knew what I had done wrong. I replied no and was told that I had changed lanes without signaling. Yep, not speeding, not swerving, not signaling a lane change while nobody was within a mile of us. I begin to relax, thinking this would just be a warning or something. I was wrong. Apparently two teenagers in a nice car at midnight, alone, raised some red flags in Officer Justice's mind. The conversation went like this:
OJ: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over tonight?
Me: No sir.
OJ: You didn't signal that lane change a couple miles back.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry officer.
[Officer Justice goes to run my information. He returns after a few moments. During that time my date tells me to be nice.]
OJ: Where you two kids headed tonight?
Me: We're returning to our university after our spring formal.
OJ: Uh-huh. Is this your car son?
Me: Yes sir.
OJ: Are you sure? This is a really nice car for someone like you to be driving.
Me: My mom bought it for me. We're Jewish. (Mistake #1)
OJ: Oh I see. Sir, can I have you step out of the car and stand on the side of the road please?
[I get out of the car. I notice that as I'm closing the door behind me, my date is getting out her phone to text people what it going on.]
Now I have no clue what is going on. I'm in a three piece suit, on the side of a road, driving a Jag, with an extremely beautiful girl in the front seat, who is texting people what's going on.
Anways, I'm on the side of the road. During this whole ordeal I'm still sweating from the night of dancing and my cologne is running. The mix of salt and french cologne smells quite bad and I look a mess aside from my clothes. Well, Officer Justice thought it was something else.
OJ: Son, now tell me again where you're going?
Me: We just got done with my school's spring formal. We go to Private Christian University.
OJ: Okay, was there alcohol served at this dance?
Me: No sir. They're all very conservative and don't believe in serving alcohol to minors. (Mistake #2)
OJ: What is that I smell then?
Me: My cologne.
OJ: Okay, I need you to follow my finger with your eyes without moving your head.
Yep, you read right, at this point I was being given a field sobriety test, on the side of the road, at midnight, in a suit, while my friends from school drove past us, staring.
Needless to say, I flew through the test flawlessly. Officer Justice though, was still convinced that I was intoxicated. So, being the thorough cop that he was (and probably still is) he went back to his squad car, cleared off his back seat (I guess to scare me), and returns with a breathalyzer.
OJ: Son, I'm going to need you to blow into this for me.
Me: Okay.
[I blow. The test comes back 0].
OJ: How did you do that?
Me: Do what?
OJ: Trick the test!
Me: I didn't sir, I haven't had anything to drink tonight. I'm a minor.
OJ: No, you tricked the test! I can smell the alcohol on you.
Me: Sir, I have not been drinking. (I'm getting quite annoyed at this point.)
OJ: Well if you haven't been drinking then what is that I smell?
At this point I was quite pissed off and the only thing I could say to answer his question was:
OJ: Well if you haven't been drinking then what is that I smell?
Me: Sweat and fear!
He was not happy with my answer. However, he did let me return to my car and I was presented with a lovely warning. All the while, my date remained in the car, texting away. After I got my warning and the Officer Justice returned to his squad car I had a wee bit of a breakdown. In front of my date, in a three piece suit, while the cop waited for me to pull back onto the road. As soon as we returned to school and I dropped my date back off at her dorm I walk into the lobby to bid her good night and to apologize, I see my entire group of friends waiting for us. All of them had looks of sympathy on their faces, and one of them opened up her arms in the universal sign language that says, "You need a hug, right?".
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