My First Half-Kiss

Now that I've hit the sudsy milestone that is twenty-one years old, I feel it appropriate to reflect back on past romantic endeavors so that I don't try to drown them out in my glass later on in life.

Okay, that's a lie. I'm full of shit (as I was told by my best friend a few nights ago). However, the story behind my first "kiss" is one to drink about.

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"My First Half-Kiss"

During the spring of my sophomore year I had an interesting encounter with a friend of a friend. One night during the middle of the semester myself and a small group of friends decided to go out to dinner at Chili's. The party included:

• Me
• Alphabet
• Texter
• Poor Navigator (the friend of Texter)

Dinner was rather uneventful aside from the usual outburst from me or Poor Navigator in an attempt to embarrass Texter or Alphabet. Generally, if you're out to dinner with me, I guarantee you'll get your money's worth....depending on the group we're with.

Anyways, dinner was uneventful. What's really important is what happened afterward. After we left the restaurant (it's in the town north of my university's) we headed back to school. Halfway back Alphabet discovers that she left her phone in the booth. Naturally, some concern is seen and we drive back to retrieve the device. Then we depart for school again.

After arriving at school I discover that I have now left my wallet at Chili's. I have no clue why I didn't check to make sure I had it before. However, I wasn't twenty-one at the time. My driver's license was basically useless and thus worthless to me. During this scene (concern was shown for the phone. However, I made a scene when I discovered my wallet was missing) Alphabet decides she's going up to her and Texter's apartment. Myself, Poor Navigator, and Texter all pile back into the front seat of the car (there is a backseat in the vehicle, we just chose not to use it for whatever reason) and drive to Chili's for the third time that night.

Now, during the course of the evening myself and Poor Navigator are getting along swimmingly. We're both funny, loud, and generally pleasant people to be around. Texter is quite proud she introduced us and is mentally patting herself on the back for pairing up this new-found friendship.

Back to the story:

We arrive at Chili's. By this time the underpaid "hostess" (I don't believe you're a host/hostess in a place that hangs roadsigns up as decorations) is not amused that we're back and just has my wallet sitting on the little pedestal. It's quite obvious she's not amused anymore by our town-wide scavenger hunt.

After retrieving the wallet (and checking to make sure nothing else was left (we'd developed sense by this time)) we departed for school once again. On the way back the three of us begin to talk about believing in your friend's threats and whatnot. While this discussion goes on I disagree with a point made by Poor Navigator. Texter, who has been friends with PN for a while now chimes in not to challenge this man. I, on the other hand (with a mind of my own) say he's full of shit (or something along those collegiate lines). Poor Navigator looks me in the eyes and says,

Poor Navigator: "Michael, if you don't take that back I will kiss you on the lips."
Me: [Poor Navigator] you have a girlfriend. You're also full of shit."
Texter: "Mike, don't call [PN's] bluff. He means it."
Poor Navigator: "Yeah Mike, listen to Texter. She knows I don't fuck around."
Me: "Psh, whatever." (I then turn to look out the window since I'm should-to-should with Poor Navigator)
Texter: "Mike, I mean it. Don't call his bluff. Just take it back."
Me: "No he will n-"

Before I could finish my sentence I saw a pair of hands come out of my peripheral vision, pull my head to the left, and then I felt something cover half of my lips and part of my lower-left cheek.

They weren't fucking around and I should have listened.

Yep. My first kiss was from Poor Navigator. Now, a normal person would think things like:

• "Did he just fucking kiss me?"
• "Did....did that really just happen?"

I on the the other hand could only think:

"HE FUCKING MISSED."

Yep, Poor Navigator lived up to his name. Despite being shoulder-to-shoulder with me, he still managed to kiss half of my lips. To this day I still can't fathom how someone misses. Even now I weep for his girlfriend when I think that's he's just missing all over the place. How could he fucking miss when we weren't even two inches from each other?!

Now, of course this happens all in a split second. As soon as it's over Poor Navigator turns to Texter and says:

Poor Navigator: "Can we stop at this gas station? I need some energy drinks."

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The story of my first kiss is tragic. What makes it worse is that it was a half-kiss. I'm sure normal people would be upset over the fact that a man just kissed them. Maybe they'd be upset that he was taken. Nope, not I. I was upset because he missed.

Man that year was fucked up.